Now, write down what this drawing brings up for you. What was the first thing that you thought of when you observed it? Does the drawing have a story? What is it trying to communicate?
Church. Advent. When they turn out the lights and everybody holds the Light of Christ and sings Silent Night.
Also, how my mom and my partner’s lit the unity candle at our wedding and my mother-in-laws candle dripped burning wax on me – she was, is and will be The Best. We love her.
What are you like? What does she think of you? Your kids? Your family, hers? Where do you work? With all the time you didn’t have to spend breaking yourself, then lying/evading/sneaking/hedging/protecting-the-whatever-the-hell, and all the time you didn’t have to spend unbreaking – what did you do in that time -what did you do for others in that time that I spent on myself?
What would you say to me now?
“An exercise I do often, especially when I feel writer’s bloc,kk is letter writing. By learning into something as personal and familiar as writing a letter, this exercise takes the pressure off of having to figure out what I’m going to write about on a day I feel stuck. Instead, my creative attention ids directed toward what I already know, which is comforting.
I also write to specific emotions I’ve been experiencing. For example, I’ve written many letters to “fear.” Doing so has helped me have a conversation and confront fear, rather than try to bury it….I also love to repeat prompts I’ve used in the past. It helps to look about and compare results to see what’s changed or stayed the same,” (Kaur, 2022, p. 11).
Prompts:
The thing I am most scared of people finding out about me is I have so much “fake.” I fake smartness. I fake strength. I fake health. I fake agency and choice. I fake I don’t care. I fake I know what I am doing. I fake so much.
I fake with my appearance, demeanor, looks.
I fake how much I’d rather be home – yet, I do love traveling!
I fake on money.
I fake on sincerity and altruism.
“…free write 4 paragraphs or stanzas using the 4 words/phrases you selected above, in chronological order. Each paragraph/stanza must include a word/phrase from the above list, in their numbered order,” (5).
I’m going to take “chronological” to be in the order in which these particular phrases/words came to me during the initial exercise. In my case, I wrote these into the prior post in chronological order, so, 1-4 shall 1-4.
“Your piece begins with the prompt “The crack in the.” These opening words are meant to spark creativity. Complete this phrase and continue writing.” (Kaur, 2022, p. 6).
#4 – The crack in the fragile, false self-perception I hold dear regarding the responsibility and authority I so easily shirk by “claiming-but-not-really-claiming” my limits and my positionality; aka, my responsibility and culpability.
My fourth thought manifests an ugly interior where I use my background/bias/positionality as an excuse to not be introspective, self-critical, clear-eyed, willing to look at those very elements through which I have caused the above mentioned trauma to those around me, to myself, and which I will again if these trauma continue, unimpeded.
I must run down my trauma.
It may/not die; it will fight; but, right now, it is having free-reign. Free-Reign.
Or,, in the words of the incredibly wise Bill Mallonee:
“My, my, how loudly we proclaim our innocence, long after we’ve made our contribution.”
Vigilantes of Love
Audible Sigh, on Audible Sign, 1999.
“…free write 4 paragraphs or stanzas using the 4 words/phrases you selected above, in chronological order. Each paragraph/stanza must include a word/phrase from the above list, in their numbered order,” (5).
I’m going to take “chronological” to be in the order in which these particular phrases/words came to me during the initial exercise. In my case, I wrote these into the prior post in chronological order, so, 1-4 shall 1-4.
“Your piece begins with the prompt “The crack in the.” These opening words are meant to spark creativity. Complete this phrase and continue writing.” (Kaur, 2022, p. 6).
#3 – The crack in the fragile, false self-perception I hold so dear regarding the responsibility and authority and voice I so unhelpfully assign to others while shirking my own.
Someone else will. Someone else will think about trauma. Someone else will take the time. Someone else will care. Someone who is not of my demographic. Someone else. Someone who is smarter; has this “spare” time; who will tell me what I should think/do/say in response to this right now. Someone else.
“…free write 4 paragraphs or stanzas using the 4 words/phrases you selected above, in chronological order. Each paragraph/stanza must include a word/phrase from the above list, in their numbered order,” (5).
I’m going to take “chronological” to be in the order in which these particular phrases/words came to me during the initial exercise. In my case, I wrote these into the prior post in chronological order, so, 1-4 shall 1-4.
“Your piece begins with the prompt “The crack in the.” These opening words are meant to spark creativity. Complete this phrase and continue writing.” (Kaur, 2022, p. 6).
#__ – The crack in the fragile, false self-perception Ihold so dear regarding the space I do and don’t think that I take is vast, unspanned, and one I ignore so often, even as I fall in and plummet, pulling others down with me.
This second trauma, the trauma I bring to others, this one – I want to avoid. Again, I become very aware of the clock – willingly, if not as quickly as I can – I chose to learn what time it is and I chose to allow all the “things to do” to swamp in – because I wish to avoid thinking about (much less anything deeper/better?) the trauma I bring/brought. I hate looking at what I’ve done.
(oh, I don’t want to post this – but, I will. Cheers for ‘accountability” and for Rupi Kaur and the very kind, but equally clear and firm, instruction and guidance she provides – a gentle, strong hand.)
When I am wrong, in-the-wrong (different than just wrong), off-track, caught off-guard, feel foolish, I squirm. I fight. I ignore. I continue bullheadedly in the wrong direction – harder, more, faster; running over any/all in my way – myself, others, all…..
“It’s at moments like these in a game that the essentials of character are exposed: narrow, ineffectual, stupid and morally so. The game becomes an extended metaphor of character defect. Even error he makes is so profoundly, so irritatingly typical of himself, instantly familiar, like a signature, like a tissue scar or some deforma. tion in a private place. As intimate and self-evident as the feel of his tongue in his mouth. Only he can go wrong in quite this way, and only he deserves to lose in just this manner. As the points fall he draws his remaining energy from a darkening pool of fury.
He says nothing, to himself or his opponent. He won’t let Jay hear him curse. But the silence is another kind of affliction. They’re at eight-three. Jay plays a cross-court drive—probably a mistake because the ball is left loose, ready for interception. Perowne sees his chance. If he can get to it, Jay will be caught out of position. Aware of this, Jay moves out from his stroke towards centre court, blocking Perowne’s path. Immediately Perowne calls for a let. They stop aad Strauss turns to express surprise.
“Are you kidding?”
“No,” Perowne says through his furious breathing and pointing his racket in the direction he was heading. “You stepped right into me.”
McEwan, I. 2005. Saturday. Random House, New York, NY.
“…free write 4 paragraphs or stanzas using the 4 words/phrases you selected above, in chronological order. Each paragraph/stanza must include a word/phrase from the above list, in their numbered order,” (5).
I’m going to take “chronological” to be in the order in which these particular phrases/words came to me during the initial exercise. In my case, I wrote these into the prior post in chronological order, so, 1-4 shall 1-4.
“Your piece begins with the prompt “The crack in the.” These opening words are meant to spark creativity. Complete this phrase and continue writing.” (Kaur, 2022, p. 6).
#1 – The crack in the fragile, false, self-perception I hold so dear is seen by everyone, including me; but, I willingly pretend it doesn’t exist. I see my own time in a number of mistaken ways: my own (it’s a gift; and I share my time), should unfold the way I foresee (I don’t control the things, large and small, which actually take/order/shift my time), is resilient (my schedule is actually as fragile as yours – constantly shifting and shiftable by family, unexpected, a car accident, wifi disruption, good news, etc.) Some would simply say: ego.
Back to the exercise at hand:
I literally thought, and somewhat also mentally just thought – I don’t have time for this. Then thought the adage about prayer, reframed onto this exercise – reframed into this exercise: “no, Ben, you don’t have time to NOT consider trauma.”
Then, I tried to get out of my own skin and think: also, not taking this time would be selfish and continuing any bullying/domineering over those to whom I have/am causing trauma.
[simultaneously (ish?) with this first/initial thought that I had upon the original prompt, I was quickly trying to think of trauma done to me (the word always seems so clinical and therefore inapplicable, but I know that we all have had “trauma” done to/upon us, in some sense) and, also trauma I have/am done/caused to others.
Random words/phrases from the visualization exercise:
Randomly select four of the words/phrases from above and list:
Rupi asked for a sketch/drawing of what trauma looks like.
To me, it was two-fold, too much to draw (for my hand that is!). Even after the breathing exercises she provided – I simply couldn’t. I didn’t feel I have “enough trauma” (whatever that is supposed to mean) to even be at such a table.