That is the question. I know I must write. Morning pages are a daily necessity for my sanity. I’m often moved to share my self-discoveries here in this space. Recently I’m feeling protective of my insights—exposed, unnecessarily vulnerable, perhaps even at risk. I don’t enjoy that feeling. There is a very pure part of me who has no fear of repercussions when I speak my truth from my heart; however she is weary.
In 2017 I removed myself from all social media. I shut down public access to four blogs. I disowned a nom de plume. I still crave to share what I learn with the world. I want to share it when its raw, when I am really in it, when it feels important. I fear that my words won’t have the same meaning if I wait. Perhaps this is a sign of the times. Or maybe it derives from my experience in 12-step rooms, where sharing is immediate. A feeling arises, an awareness or understanding emerges, and a shared sentiment brings relief and inner peace. There is something so fundamentally shifting for me when I allow myself to be authentically seen. I’m learning this is a desire of my beautiful psyche.
I am conscious of a shift occurring in me as I further my studies in counseling psychology. I am learning so much about myself and developing new shades of self-compassion. Psychotherapists practice unconditional positive regard for their clients. This is one of the core conditions of the container they create. To point this inward, to offer myself the same, is stirring seismic growth within. Simultaneously continuing my studies in A Course in Miracles, I’m experiencing a beautiful harmony of oneness. “Let all appearances seem pure to us, that we may pass them by in innocence, and walk together to our Father’s house as brothers and the holy Sons of God” (ACIM, Lesson 263). You don’t have to believe in God for that message to have meaning—simply feel that whatever you are going through, others are too, and doing it together rather than alone is much more pleasant.
I feel supremely grateful this morning for this life. I am once again excited for the future. I am integrating the sinkholes of depression within a larger framework of happy existence. Bahagia. There is a graceful rhythm to it all. My freak flag is getting ready to fly in 2018 as my wild woman warms up for her release party. Prepare to hear me sing, watch me dance, look up to the sky and see me soar. Whether here through my words or less publicly. I believe we are one and I will carry you with me. More importantly though, I invite you to join me.
So many rebirths, new beginnings, first days. May they continue to continue.
This post is dedicated to Laurie, inspiration for authentic freedom. My journey includes her and honors her eternally.