I’m currently taking a seminar that has me examining commitments in my life. I’m finding an interesting phenomenon. There is what I say I am committed to — giving and receiving love everywhere I go, developing a closer connection to my brother and his family, a life partnership with my Beloved based on authenticity. Then there are my hidden commitments that I begin to see as I look at how I behave in my life — I have all the answers, I know more than you do, and I must always look good.
As I read Lesson 152 in A Course in Miracles this morning, I’m struck by the continuation of this seminar’s work. “No one can suffer loss unless it be his own decision.” I can no longer suffer from not receiving love, not having close family ties, and not having a healthy life partnership. Why? Because the jig is up. My hidden commitments, which I did not choose, but rather adopted over time in response to events in my past, are not true. What would or could my life be like if I didn’t need to have all the answers, if I didn’t have to be right, if I wasn’t required to keep it all together?
My lesson today further guides me, “Let us today be truly humble, and accept what we have made as what it is.” I am instructed to accept that I have created these unconscious truths for myself, they are not as God created me. The power of choice is my own. I can choose to lay them aside as false and accept myself as I was meant to be. In the language of my seminar, I can choose a new possibility that allows me freedom from these lies about myself.
If I had a dime for all the times those who know me best have said to me, “Sarah, you don’t have to keep it all together,” I might be a wealthy woman. If I only collected payment when I really listened, not so much. I wish it were as easy as seeing it, deciding to change, and going on with life. At least for now, I can create the possibility for my life that I be powerfully authentic. In practice that looks like accepting and admitting when I am afraid, unsure, lacking confidence, and overwhelmed. It looks like accepting that another person might have a suggestion that might be better than my own best thinking. It is a possibility that might actually give me the things to which I say I am committed. Wouldn’t that be something?